Friday, October 06, 2006

Difficult times

I was depressed yesterday. Really, really, out of the blue, didn't want to get out of bed depressed. I feel a bit better today but I hate it when days like that strike for seemingly no reason at all. I nearly feel that I should give in and start taking medication to help get me through the day when I have a day like that. It doesn't happen that often but there have been too many days like that over the last few months. There was a lot of coming and going and busy times over the summer (with my sister's wedding, family home from abroad, packing up her house when she went off travelling and so on and so forth). It was all good really but just that level of activity stresses me out and also, because there was so much going on I missed a few appointments with my therapist.

I've been seeing him for just over two years now. Have struggled with depression and a serious weight problem for years and I was stuck in a job I hated (had been trying to get a new job for over a year but kept messing up the interviews, something that had never happened to me before) and seemed to be just spending more and more money with nothing to show for it so I finally bit the bullet and started to go for counselling. I can honestly say that it was one of the best things I have ever done for myself and has changed my life. Despite the fact that I was having so many problems with money I'm actually very sensible and practical so the first thing I had to do was keep properly to a budget so that I'd have money to pay for counselling. Once I had done up that budget I knew that I was going to have to be very careful all the time if I was going to be able to afford it and with a few bad months I've pretty much kept to it. But within a couple of months of starting I had a gotten a new job (where I still am and still enjoying it) and was starting to get back on track with losing weight. I'm still struggling with my weight but have dealt with many other issues so overall I'm in a far better place now. Once I'd started my new job I had to stop going every week and only see him every second week (I'd taken a pay cut to move into that job and couldn't afford every week anymore). The point of all this rambling though is that during this summer one of the very things which is hard to cope with i.e. my family was also the thing which stopped me being able to see my therapist and I missed three or four appointments. It's only in the last month or so things are getting back to normal and I think when you get through a tough time and back to normal it can all catch up on you a bit and that's what's happening to me now.

I feel bad to a certain extent talking about the summer and the wedding as being a tough and stressful time. Don't get me wrong, this summer I also had some of the best times I can remember from recent years. A lot of connections were forged again with family I hadn't had much contact with for years which is good too. But overall a lot of it was very emotional (I'm a terribly emotional and sometimes overly sensitive soul).

It's not helping I suppose that it's starting to get dark and cold again now. We had an incredibly mild September and it's only in the last week I've started wearing a jacket outside. I have to make a big effort now to get outside during lunchtime so that I'm getting some daylight at least.

I hope that the changes I've made in my life over the last few months when it comes to simple living will help me get through the winter a bit easier. I know that lots of people use anti-depressants for short periods of time and it can be a great help to them in getting thought it. Several of my sisters however have used different kinds and levels of medication and two of them ended up using way too much (in my opinion) and spending much of their time doped up to the eyeballs and not doing more than going through the motions and I'm very nervous of that happening to me. Addictive personalities definitely run in our family. One sister is using medication for a while now and has never had any problems with it so I have seen both sides, I suppose. Luckily I have an excellent GP who accepted that I had some qualms about using medication and is happy to monitor my situation while I see a psychologist and so far I haven't needed to use any.

I'm feeling much better today (so far) but now have a pile of work to get through as yesterday was not my most productive day in work ever. I managed to spend a quiet night at home though and did some more knitting which was nice and relaxing. I watched Ladette to Lady for the second week (think I'll need to make sure I'm home on Thursdays for the next few weeks) and then Grey's Anatomy but because I was knitting while watching telly it didn't feel like I'd had a complete waste of an evening plonked in front of the TV. Ladette to Lady is great - I always wanted to go to a finishing school when I was younger and watching it now, I'm sort of feeling like it would still be a great idea. I'd love to have a bit more social polish. Not to mention meeting all those eligible bachelors!

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