Car is gone

Finally sold my car yesterday - there was very little interest in it so it went for about half what I originally thought I'd get. But I didn't see any point in holding out for someone else to maybe come along and offer me a couple of hundred euro more so we the buyer came up from Galway yesterday morning spent about ten minutes looking at the car and driving it down to the end of the road and back (not much of a test drive but as the car isn't taxed or insured I was glad he didn't want to go further), handed over the cash, filled in the form which I'll send off to the authorities tomorrow, got his receipt (marked "sold as seen no warranty given or implied", a tip I'd read on a discussion forum the day before) and headed off again. It was all a bit of a whirlwind and I can still hardly believe I've sold it. What a relief. Although I was giving in up in large part for 'green' reasons, I've been feeling bad about it sitting out there not being used and was wishing someone would take it and get some use out of it. I think that's what they call a paradox!

I rang the dentist just after the car was gone and left a voicemail asking them to phone me back to arrange an appointment. Felt like if I hadn't I'd have spent half the money before getting that crown sorted so it'll be another relief when that's done.

It's a beatiful day today - my little sister is home from Oz so I'm off to see her now. Hadn't seen her for almost a year and a half but it was like I'd only seen her last week - it's nice to have family and friends that that happens with.

Freedom

Funny how having a car and thus presumably the freedom to go further and do more didn't feel as free as I do now, when my choices are limited or at least take far more organising. I think in large part it's down to that overwhelming feeling - when the car is waiting outside the door I have so many options for where to go it's too difficult to settle on any one thing and I end up doing nothing. Whereas when I've to choose what I'm doing based on the bus timetables and factor in the time it takes to walk or get the bus somewhere I have fewer choices which makes it easier to settle on one. I'm sure there's a name for it but can't think of it at the moment - it definitely sounds like the kind of thing that will have been identified in dozens of studies. Words like world-weary, ennui and overwhelmed come to mind. (Which always reminds me of that great line in an American high-school film "I know you can be overwhelmed and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be, like, whelmed?".)

Losing weight is going okay so far - five weeks in and 10.5 lbs down - it's a good, steady weight loss. Year-end is nearly over in work so hopefully things will quieten down a little bit and I'll start making more of an effort to make sure to leave on the dot at 5.30. One of the things I'd promised myself I would do in May was to attend a couple of meetings of Overeaters' Anonymous. I'm not convinced it's really for me and having read a bit about the 12-step program on their website (it's the same as AA or any of the other 'anonymous' groups) it seems even less likely; however I am going to go to two or three just to see. It's not fair to dismiss it out of hand, I might love it and find it a great help and at the very least I will be better able to figure out if the direction I'm going in trying to deal with my eating is the right one for me.

I've been thinking a lot about food and eating and eating disorders recently. It has taken me a long time to accept that I have an eating disorder and I've realised recently that part of that is because all the words used have such negative connotations. Overeating, food addiction. What I need is a nice, respectable Latin name, not something that makes it sounds like I'm just lazy and weak (that feeling might be irrational but hey, these are my 'all in my head' issues we're talking about).

A couple of months ago my therapist read me some details of the criteria for making a diagnosis of an eating disorder - even he was surprised that overeating and food addiction are not actually listed as eating disorders. There was one brief paragraph which stated that obesity is not an eating disorder (I agree, that's like saying skininess is an eating disorder!) but is a growing trend. However when he read me the criteria for anoerexia and bulimia, almost all of them, with the exception of purging, applied to me. So where does that leave me? Perhaps I'll find some answers at OA, perhaps not, maybe I'll decide the label really isn't important (I know that already but don't quite accept it), who knows, it's worth a try.

More lists...

I need to get down on paper things I use which are definitely not the eco and/or local choice. Some of these items are ones I'm not prepared to do without but I feel that if I write it all down, it'll focus my attention a bit more and perhaps lead me to changing these choices too.

Chemical cleaning products at home - I decided when I wanted to switch to eco products that it would not be a good idea to simply flush away the products I already had and am still trying to use them up (a year later! I was always a sucker for special offers, didn't realise how much I of a stock I had built up). At this stage I think I'll try and give them away.

Shower gel/body lotions etc. - as above, I've been using up what I had. Nearly finished.

Deodorant - tough one this. May use some holiday time to experiment with eco products - it took me years to find a "conventional" one that works for me.

Toothpaste - need to replace soon and will try Kingfisher or similar brand.

Make-up - I don't wear much so will stick with what I already have and think more about it if/when I need new stuff.

Face wipes - so convenient. Have been reducing use but can't quite give them up yet.

Sanitary towels - have used organic ones before and they're okay, need to try and get them more often but they are more expensive.

Petrol - until I can afford a hybrid/runs on vegetable oil type car the only thing I can do about this is minimise my use of the car. Already use bus for to and from work. Must get fit enough to use bike.

Philadelphia light - a Weight Watcher's necessity. I have a serious weight problem but eating more fresh food and less processed food will help a lot. There are certain products that are very useful in making low-fat meals and this is one of them.

Colour catchers - can't afford to keep buying new white underwear.

Clothes - don't buy many and because of my size don't have much choice anyway. When I lose weight I would also like to start looking at buying more organically.

I'm sure I had a dozen more to add but can't think of them now - will have to come back to this list later.