Freedom

Funny how having a car and thus presumably the freedom to go further and do more didn't feel as free as I do now, when my choices are limited or at least take far more organising. I think in large part it's down to that overwhelming feeling - when the car is waiting outside the door I have so many options for where to go it's too difficult to settle on any one thing and I end up doing nothing. Whereas when I've to choose what I'm doing based on the bus timetables and factor in the time it takes to walk or get the bus somewhere I have fewer choices which makes it easier to settle on one. I'm sure there's a name for it but can't think of it at the moment - it definitely sounds like the kind of thing that will have been identified in dozens of studies. Words like world-weary, ennui and overwhelmed come to mind. (Which always reminds me of that great line in an American high-school film "I know you can be overwhelmed and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be, like, whelmed?".)

Losing weight is going okay so far - five weeks in and 10.5 lbs down - it's a good, steady weight loss. Year-end is nearly over in work so hopefully things will quieten down a little bit and I'll start making more of an effort to make sure to leave on the dot at 5.30. One of the things I'd promised myself I would do in May was to attend a couple of meetings of Overeaters' Anonymous. I'm not convinced it's really for me and having read a bit about the 12-step program on their website (it's the same as AA or any of the other 'anonymous' groups) it seems even less likely; however I am going to go to two or three just to see. It's not fair to dismiss it out of hand, I might love it and find it a great help and at the very least I will be better able to figure out if the direction I'm going in trying to deal with my eating is the right one for me.

I've been thinking a lot about food and eating and eating disorders recently. It has taken me a long time to accept that I have an eating disorder and I've realised recently that part of that is because all the words used have such negative connotations. Overeating, food addiction. What I need is a nice, respectable Latin name, not something that makes it sounds like I'm just lazy and weak (that feeling might be irrational but hey, these are my 'all in my head' issues we're talking about).

A couple of months ago my therapist read me some details of the criteria for making a diagnosis of an eating disorder - even he was surprised that overeating and food addiction are not actually listed as eating disorders. There was one brief paragraph which stated that obesity is not an eating disorder (I agree, that's like saying skininess is an eating disorder!) but is a growing trend. However when he read me the criteria for anoerexia and bulimia, almost all of them, with the exception of purging, applied to me. So where does that leave me? Perhaps I'll find some answers at OA, perhaps not, maybe I'll decide the label really isn't important (I know that already but don't quite accept it), who knows, it's worth a try.