Sunday, October 13, 2013

And time goes by

On Friday it was four weeks since my sister died, today it's a month. A couple of friends have made sure to contact me today to make sure I'm doing alright but I have to admit it was Friday which hit me harder than today. Partly because Friday was also the monthly meeting of the Deutsch-Irische Gesellschaft, which is the meeting I was on my way home from when I heard the news. I really had to kind of force myself to go because I felt like if I didn't it would become the kind of thing that would build up in my head and, as they say in Germany, I'd end up making an elephant out of a mosquito (making a mountain out of a molehill just makes so much more sense. Not sure how German, which is often such a logical language decided to go for elephants and mosquitoes to express the same idea).

At least it was the Germany/Ireland world cup qualifier match and I got delayed in work so I only arrived half-an-hour or so before the match started and so there wasn't much talk to be gotten through. I'm not much into sports but it was a fun match to watch - the fun was cemented during the national anthem when myself and one of the other women spotted that Johnny Logan was singing the Irish one and squealed with excitement. Well, really I was just aiming for a surprised exclamation but it came out kind of squeaky, which made the others laugh so we both played it up for all it was worth. An amusing thirty seconds or so to start us off. And come on, I wasn't quite 13 when this happened, who could resist?

It still doesn't seem quite real though and I'm still very much at the stage where almost everything I do or see or think about ends up in a memory of my sister or having to deal with the "must tell her..." issue. And I know that it will get better as time goes by, etc., etc., etc. But hate the fact that the reason I know that is because I've been through it before what feels like just far too many times. Have an extremely busy week ahead of me this week so again that'll keep me going. At least there are no dentist visits to deal with until the week after. Yep, I have a giant cavity underneath an already big filling so that's going to have to be dealt with. He doesn't think I'll need a root canal but can't come up with a definitive treatment plan until he's opened it up and tried a disinfection of some kind. So it'll be the end of the month before I find out what kind of costs I'm facing in that regard. Murphy is quite welcome to pack his bags and leave me the fuck alone now.


Fiona said...

I think the "not seeming real" thing is so hard when you've had a loss. It can take years to sink in properly, bit by bit. One thing's for sure, it's not a quick process. It's good you made it through the first month milestone ok. I think you are doing amazingly well to be staying on top of it all and still working etc.

Sunny said...

I wish I had the words that would make it better. Praying that you find peace.

SarahN @ livetolist said...

I'm so sorry to hear you've had a tough time of late with memories of your sister. What you describe reminds me of a time of deep depression at 11 when I was living at boarding school and seemed to feel extra isolated (even having done it for more than a year). Thankfully, it was an international phone call, and not as final. But I do wish you love and prayers and love (and fuckoffsky to Murphy too). Hugs!