Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Moving on

Things have settled down a bit and I've been able to sort out last week's happenings, at least to the extent that I can move on and see what happens. I do want to start trying to blog again more regularly but, hey, I've definitely said that before and I'm sure I'll say it again. So shall I try a list of sorts?

  • Have decided to not do any preserving this year. Of course now that the season has hit and I'm starting to see gorgeous fruit and veg appearing all over the place, I'm wavering on that decision. So I might do one batch of bread and butter pickles. And some tomato ketchup. Maybe just one or two batches of tomatoes. But I know doing nothing is the right decision really if for no other reason than that it will be far cheaper. 
  • Not spending money is important now given that I will be finishing up work at the end of October. Having a major wobble (to the tune of €90) last week when I was being all emotional hasn't helped matters. And nor has having to pay to get bike checked (€43), new glasses (€60) and new helmet (€69). 
  • And just now I was interrupted by a phone call from my brother. I commissioned a piece to be made for him by a woodworker I met last year at the craft fair. It was to be something similar to a piece we had at home when we were kids, that one of my cousins made for my dad, kind of related to our name. My brother has talked about that piece a couple of times over the years, wondering where it was and even saying he wished he had it. So I thought I'd had a great idea. But he sort of just sounded a bit mystified and not terribly impressed. It apparently doesn't even look like what it's supposed to be (although I saw a photo of it and thought it looked good - different and not as nice as what we had at home as kids but still nice. I had it sent directly to him since it didn't seem to make sense to have it sent here only to post it back to Ireland for his birthday). I didn't know what to say so just said a kind of lame "oh well, it's the thought that counts". The conversation did not exactly take off to be honest, I was fighting to hold back tears and not let him realise I was upset but he'd had a long day, was hungry and tired and thirsty so when I said, half-jokingly, half - well it was probably a bit passive aggressive really - that he could just hold on to it until it was someone's else's birthday and pass it on to someone else he just answered "yeah". That hurt more than the rest I think somehow. He said I was obviously not in the mood for talking so he'd go and I just about managed to get out a "right" (and really more of a grunt than a word) before hanging up. Couldn't stop myself from bursting into tears. He rang back and then started giving out and wanting to know why I was crying and I just couldn't seem to make him understand that I was just trying to do something nice. He said to me that I should know that he doesn't attach any importance whatsoever to our name. I couldn't think of anything to say to that except that he should just box it up and post it to me and I'd pay him for the postage, to which he responded that I shouldn't be so silly. We just don't really seem to be able to communicate that well anymore, which upsets me more than anything and add to my general feeling at the moment that I can't do anything right. . We've kind of sorted it out now but mostly by me just saying that I've been having a tough week and it was kind of the last straw that broke my camel's back and then us basically moving on to chatting about what's for dinner. I'm feeling very alone now and so stupid that instead of something he'd be really surprised and pleased by, I've gotten him something that annoyed him more than anything else and that he doesn't even find beautiful in its own right. At least it came in a bit under budget so I do actually have some money leftover that I was going to use to get him something else small, too. I might just send him the money, though, as this rate I don't think I'd trust myself to choose anything good for him. Just the kind of few weeks I've been having and just like that I'm back to using the blog as somewhere to just dump some of the chaotic thoughts out of my head to.


Jennifer said...

I am so sorry. I have been in that position many times with family members and friends and I have no offer of advice only sympathy. What you did was a beautiful gesture. I hope your brothers realizes that sooner than later.

I am not close with my siblings either. I am much older than them and we just cannot communicate well. Sad really, but it is what it is.

I LOVE bread and butter pickles though. I figure someday I will get back canning. Life seems too full right now to squeeze that in.

Moonwaves said...

Thanks Jennifer. Sounds like you've been having a far tougher day of it than I have. I'm actually really close with all my siblings and more so with my brother than any of the others. That's what makes it so crap that I've totally misjudged things, I think. He has a lot of anger towards our dad (who died just before he turned 18, so they never had a chance to sort things out as adults) but I thought he had started to sort of get through a lot of that. Obviously he's going through a particularly antagonistic phase at the moment. Like a lot of things, I think it comes and goes. I hope we do manage to find the same wavelength again. In a lot of ways he's like my kid - I look out for him and worry about him all the time. But he's also probably my best friend and I can usually talk to him about anything. Just not really, it seems, at the moment.

Moonwaves said...

Hi Jennifer, hope this comment reaches you. Sorry to hear you've been having problems with some people online but very glad to think you might come back to blogging. I for one, like the fact that you're not perfect, and even that you do things sometimes that I might think a bit nuts...because I only think that really because I see so much of my own behaviour reflected back at me and, you know, projecting and what not. :) I've always admired your honesty in laying everything bare. So much more interesting to read than those who simply get gazelle-intense and go from A to B and that's that. In my opinion anyway.

Oh, and just in case you or anyone else is interested, my brother phoned me the day after all the upset last week to apologise. He's going to hang his present up to remind him not to be so sensitive about this particular issue. Not quite the pleasure I thought he might get out of it but I'm glad we've patched things up.