Monday, April 25, 2011


I've just sent an email to one of the main contacts for the garden to say that I won't be coming back for a couple of months.  That decision came a bit out of the blue, particularly since one of the nice things I was thinking of doing this week was taking the opportunity to go and garden during the week, which I normally can't do, but as I was reading the latest update email asking for details on who will do what for the open day in a few weeks I felt a wave of "just can't do it" rush over me.  I started to write an email saying that I wouldn't be back to work on Saturday mornings until maybe June and then realised that's only a few weeks away and changed it to June or July.  I was going to write something along the lines of 'but of course I'll help out for the open day' and I just couldn't do it.  I cried the whole time I was writing the email but to be honest I have been crying on and off all day so far.  Something had to give and I had considered giving up the garden for a while but felt that what I get back from it was enough to make up for the effort of going there.  But it's better to take a break and go back to it fresh than forcing myself to be up and out early every Saturday morning. 

I will try to use these next weeks to get back to some kind of proper routine, perhaps focus on getting a walk or a swim in and starting to lose some weight again.  I saw some photographs of myself taken on a recent choir weekend, the kind where you don't know they are being taken so haven't been able to hide yourself beside a conveniently plant or something.  I knew I had put weight on again but, based on how clothes are fitting, am not quite back to my biggest but these photos were just shocking.  I do not see that fat woman when I look in the mirror and the way I felt when I saw those photos combined with everything else that has happened over the last year and everything in work over the last couple of weeks has just gotten on top of me.

Last year sometime blogger introduced a stats function and since then I check every once in a while.  There is rarely a time when someone hasn't landed here because of searching "how not to get overwhelmed", which leads them to this post, which to be honest, will be absolutely no use to anyone trying not to get overwhelmed.  And I still don't know how to stop being overwhelmed by what life is throwing at me.  Throw in some guilt for feeling like life is throwing too much at me when I know millions of people all over the world and even probably dozens on the street I live on have it much worse than me.  But there it is.

I thought I had a point to this post but I've forgotten it if there ever was one.  I may need a nap.

P.S. Just as I was about to hit publish on this post, the song below came on the radio/internet (I've been listening to an Irish country station that I always loved when I still lived there).  It seemed to fit the moment:

1 comment:

Albedo said...

Poor you! I think if I was there I'd give you a hug! Sounds to me as if you would benefit by looking at those things you do well to boost your self esteem a little (or a lot). I hope your 'down' doesn't get too deep, but if it persists might it be the time to look for help? Other than Cadbury's mini eggs that is! :-)