Sunday

All day long I have been telling myself that any second now I will head in to work to get something done. I even arranged to have a laptop so that the task I want to get done will be easier to handle (have to be in the office but not actually in my own office so having a laptop saves me having to run back and forth to my desk). Now it's after seven in the evening and I still haven't done it. But because I've been meaning to go I haven't gotten anything else done either. Aaaggghhhh. I hate it when I'm like this. I just keep reading 'one more chapter', then just updating my budget spreadsheet (which badly needed to be done it has to be said, missing a whole week is not good), then since I'm on the internet just watching something stupid that I don't really want to watch but it stops me thinking. I'm thinking a lot of deep thoughts about life at the moment but can't get much of it clear enough to be able to write deep philosophical posts.

I took a photo of what I got at the market yesterday but haven't even the energy to get up to get the camera to load that photo or the others I took at home last week. I very nearly did go to work about an hour ago but I knew if I did I wouldn't cook when I got home so I put it off again so that at least the food I bought won't be wasted.

Have soup on the go at the moment cotaining:
- carrots - bought yesterday but obviously we're getting to the end of the farmers store of carrots as they're starting to head a bit towards woody
- three-quarters of an onion - part of the last two onions I had, was too late to the market to get any yesterday although there aren't many left anyway
- some garlic
- the last five potatoes I had - I'm not sure but I think I may have bought these in February, they badly needed to be used.

I also stewed the rhubarb I got with some sugar and a small amount of dried orange zest in a glass of warm water with a lump of preserved ginger which was in an open jar in the fridge. Haven't eaten any yet but did accidently get some on my finger which needed to be licked off and it was yum! I was going to make the rhubarb crumble frmo the Jamie Oliver at Home book but forgot to halve the amount of liquid even though I only had half the rhubarb. So that's when I lobbed the ginger into the stewing rhubarb instead and decided I'd just have it with custard during the week.

And finally I have a tomato, chard, onion, chives, tuna sauce on the go as well to have with some pasta and then use to make a pasta bake tomorrow evening.

I have choir rehearsal in a nearby town, Wuppertal, on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings with the concert taking place there on Thursday (which is a bank holiday here). Then on Sunday, another concert in Dusseldorf. I'm feeling okay about the stuff we're doing in Wuppertal but am really not that confident about the stuff for Sunday (which is just my own choir so less people to cover up any mistakes and it's a capella so no orchestra to hide behind either). Lunches this week will be pasta bake and in the evening I'll have bread and cheese on the go. The soup will be for if I feel like eating something when I get home after choir and lunch for Thursday. I got apples and bananas and a thing of yoghurt as well so I'm hoping that despite the busy week I will have a better week food and budgetwise than last week (which involved buying lunch out eveyday, two pizzas and schnitzel with chips for dinner on various nights as well as a lot of chocolate out of the machine in work).

Some of my thoughts on my life - just need to get them down on paper as it were. Maybe someday I'll get around to writing more meaningful posts which expand on the points. Or maybe not.

- I want to fall in love with someone but I can't decide if I want someone to fall in love with me more than that.

- My self-confidence is at an all-time low - nothing I do seems to quite work out the way I intended and I seem to have lost the ability to be sympathetic or selfless

- My job is utterly meaningless and the people I work with range from difficult to get along with, downright unpleasant and arrogant to just so totally different from me that I feel like I'm from another planet.

- I'm thirty-five but it's not so much my age that's bothering me as the fact that I've done so little with my life but am stuck in this downard spiral again that leaves me with no energy or will to do anything.

- My inability to express everything I'm feeling is getting me down but it's not just that. I feel like I'm losing my language skills. My ENGLISH language skills!

- I hate that I am waiting for someone else to come along and change my life and don't understand why I cannot find any discipline to just change things myself.