Sunday, January 02, 2011

No goals is the goal

Reading through all the lists of people's goals over the last few days online (2010 achievements and failures as well as plans for 2011) I've been going through a variety of emotions.  Writing the list of books I've read has reinforced to some extent what I already knew - I spent most of 2010 dragging myself from one drama to the next, with serious bouts of depression in between and only some very short moments of high points.  The books on the list are mostly just the ones I could remember and I think there are probably about ten or fifteen more which should be on that list.  That's an awful lot of time spent escaping from the world and not doing any of the hundred other things I want to do or need to do.

And I was sick a lot.  I had to cancel singing twice because of bad colds and sang a week of rehearsals and one big concert in August while also really very sick with a cold.  I've been getting more and more stressed and depressed since then and really feel like my batteries are empty.  I know lots of things I could be/should be doing to remedy that but even the thoughts of doing something are too much and leave me feeling overwhelmed at the moment.  Even trying to tell a friend about this the other night and listening to her telling me that I need to just set small easily achievable goals at first was nearly too much to bear. 

So I might end up getting back to normal, cooking good meals and eating regularly, getting some exercise in the fresh air, sleeping regularly and getting on with that overreaching goal of living the simple life I want.  But I cannot set myself any goals to get towards that because I just cannot handle it at the moment.  I have my main goal of trying to completely eliminate my debt in 2011 and that it is.  Otherwise, my only goal is to have no goals.  Maybe next year.


click clack gorilla said...

I really love this--the goal of having no goals. There's a good way to live completely in the present.

Hope that things even out a bit for you in the coming year, or even out as much as you'd like them to (I for one, notice that I sometimes need the extreme highs and lows I so often experience, especially for really good writing, though at the time of the lows I doubt I'd ever agree).

Gingerpus said...

Hi Moonwaves,
I have been following your plight with interest for some time now. I have no words of wisdom to offer you. Simply I want to reassure you that you are not alone in contending with life's struggles. There are lots of us also facing the same/similar challenges on a daily basis. Eutopia or the simple life I want is a diverse and often eluding destination. I've not got there yet and I don't want to do it alone. Give yourself TLC and if you find an easier route would you please let me know. Take care Gingerpus x