Saturday, February 07, 2009

Small steps

I am slowly pulling myself out of a very bad depression. Hope to start blogging a bit again as it does help me to clear my head. After a not terribly easy start to my job over here things went downhill and although I was sort of prepared to not necessarily like my job as much as I had done in Ireland, I wasn't really able for all that did happen. The person I came over to work for ended up out sick for a good while and shortly after she came back we found out that the new project she was heading up (which she told me about the first week I was there and which sounded really interesting) would have to be run from Frankfurt and that kind of left me in a weird place. It wasn't really a case of there no longer being a job for me but being so new to the German office (and having had to commit to a six-month probation period here despite my 4+ years with the firm in Ireland) I just didn't feel too secure. On top of the financial pressure of having moved (expected and planned for but nonetheless worrisome), the general stress around a move (regardless of how much you want it, moving countries is a very big deal) and the heat of the end of summer here it was just all a bit too much. There were a few incidents in work which made me feel...hmmmm...hard to describe...perhaps uneasy fits best. I think in part it's just the way things are in the German workplace but the politics are something else here. There was defintely nothing like it in the Irish office and certainly not for humble secretaries. Here, I felt like I was being passed over in important decisions affecting me and also being pulled hither and thither on a playing board between various management and HR people but, and this is the big difference, with none of them on my side. How and ever, I finally transferred to another department four months into my probation and this week was the end of my probation period so at least I have that little bit of security. Of course, I'm now working for someone I probably wouldn't otherwise have chosen to work for which is not ideal but I'm just trying to make the best of it for now and give myself a chance to settle properly before contemplating looking for a new job (given the current economic climate this is a good idea anyway I think).

The few days off at Christmas helped me to relax somewhat and I think did my boss well too as he seemed to be making a big effort in January. He's getting a bit difficult to deal with again now but will have a holiday in March which will hopefully improve his mood somewhat again. I have also realised that I much prefer working for someone older. He's only five years older than me and very immature in some ways and some days I end up thinking "but I don't want a kid!". At least I am getting back on track as regards food. I have definitely been more "normal" about food since I moved here but through this whole thing have still have periods which I've given in to all my worst habits. This week has been okay though. I had friends visiting at the weekend and made a big dinner on Saturday. On Monday and Tuesday evenings I heated up and ate the leftovers of that. And Wednesday, Thursday and this evening I finished off the bread I had bought along with some cheese, smoked goose breast and some of the chutney I made when I first got here. I walk home from work most days, it takes about 40 minutes. Every day while walking I start thinking about what I can get on the way home to eat for dinner and every day I come home without stopping off to get a pizza or kebab or to eat in a restaurant is a triumph (and only partially because I really can't afford to be eating out all the time even if it is much cheaper here). If I also wash and dry the dishes and put them away it's an even bigger triumph but I'm still working on doing that every day. And that is what my days are made up of at the moment. Just trying to get through each one and do those normal things that don't necessarily happen when deep in depression.

In general I am happy that I made the move and although things haven't worked out perfectly I still have a very strong feeling that I was right to leave Ireland. I might not end up here for a long time but feel like I'm on the road to wherever it is I'm meant to end up. I do miss the nice soft water in Ireland though.

@Cindi: in case you read this, I am sorry for not sending your needle book and pin cushion. I actually did make them on the last day possible of the swap but I had felted both and they needed to dry out and then the pin cushion was huge, much bigger than I'd planned but the pin cushion was tiny in comparision. And it was all around the time the crap in work started and I just couldn't deal with it all. They are on my table and I would like to get to them in the near future to see what I can make out of them. I've sort of got a bug up my ass (if you'll pardon the expression, not sure where I heard it but it just came to me and seems to fit the situation) about it at this stage and really want to make them presentable rather than starting from scratch with something that wasn't what I had planned if you know what I mean.

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