Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Moving on

Things have settled down a bit and I've been able to sort out last week's happenings, at least to the extent that I can move on and see what happens. I do want to start trying to blog again more regularly but, hey, I've definitely said that before and I'm sure I'll say it again. So shall I try a list of sorts?

  • Have decided to not do any preserving this year. Of course now that the season has hit and I'm starting to see gorgeous fruit and veg appearing all over the place, I'm wavering on that decision. So I might do one batch of bread and butter pickles. And some tomato ketchup. Maybe just one or two batches of tomatoes. But I know doing nothing is the right decision really if for no other reason than that it will be far cheaper. 
  • Not spending money is important now given that I will be finishing up work at the end of October. Having a major wobble (to the tune of €90) last week when I was being all emotional hasn't helped matters. And nor has having to pay to get bike checked (€43), new glasses (€60) and new helmet (€69). 
  • And just now I was interrupted by a phone call from my brother. I commissioned a piece to be made for him by a woodworker I met last year at the craft fair. It was to be something similar to a piece we had at home when we were kids, that one of my cousins made for my dad, kind of related to our name. My brother has talked about that piece a couple of times over the years, wondering where it was and even saying he wished he had it. So I thought I'd had a great idea. But he sort of just sounded a bit mystified and not terribly impressed. It apparently doesn't even look like what it's supposed to be (although I saw a photo of it and thought it looked good - different and not as nice as what we had at home as kids but still nice. I had it sent directly to him since it didn't seem to make sense to have it sent here only to post it back to Ireland for his birthday). I didn't know what to say so just said a kind of lame "oh well, it's the thought that counts". The conversation did not exactly take off to be honest, I was fighting to hold back tears and not let him realise I was upset but he'd had a long day, was hungry and tired and thirsty so when I said, half-jokingly, half - well it was probably a bit passive aggressive really - that he could just hold on to it until it was someone's else's birthday and pass it on to someone else he just answered "yeah". That hurt more than the rest I think somehow. He said I was obviously not in the mood for talking so he'd go and I just about managed to get out a "right" (and really more of a grunt than a word) before hanging up. Couldn't stop myself from bursting into tears. He rang back and then started giving out and wanting to know why I was crying and I just couldn't seem to make him understand that I was just trying to do something nice. He said to me that I should know that he doesn't attach any importance whatsoever to our name. I couldn't think of anything to say to that except that he should just box it up and post it to me and I'd pay him for the postage, to which he responded that I shouldn't be so silly. We just don't really seem to be able to communicate that well anymore, which upsets me more than anything and add to my general feeling at the moment that I can't do anything right. . We've kind of sorted it out now but mostly by me just saying that I've been having a tough week and it was kind of the last straw that broke my camel's back and then us basically moving on to chatting about what's for dinner. I'm feeling very alone now and so stupid that instead of something he'd be really surprised and pleased by, I've gotten him something that annoyed him more than anything else and that he doesn't even find beautiful in its own right. At least it came in a bit under budget so I do actually have some money leftover that I was going to use to get him something else small, too. I might just send him the money, though, as this rate I don't think I'd trust myself to choose anything good for him. Just the kind of few weeks I've been having and just like that I'm back to using the blog as somewhere to just dump some of the chaotic thoughts out of my head to.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Tumult of emotions

Not going to go into why but just need to try and get some of this out of my head. I'm feeling hurt, humiliated, rejected, foolish, angry (not really, but kind of wishing this is where I was), confused, embarrassed, ugly, stupid, worthless, uncertain, mistrustful, numb. And I am tired. Four hours sleep is not enough.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Stiff and sore again

But this time it's because I was out dancing until five o'clock this morning. Wow, my knees are killing me now. Really need to get rid of this weight once and for all. That's the main goal for the next few months. I handed in my notice at work a few weeks ago so I do also need to look for a new job but somehow I'm not bothered about that and do trust that I'll get something in plenty of time (will probably be working until end of October, definitely until end of September). The reduction of stress simply by knowing I'll be out of there relatively soon is noticeable so I'm feeling good about being able to focus on other things for the next while.

I did have a lovely day yesterday. Slept till I woke, got up and went to the market (which I rarely do anymore since I get a vegetable box delivered now). Stopped and returned all my empty bottles to the supermarket on the way and brought the non-deposit ones to the recycle bins. Just bought one or two things at the market, treated myself to some turkey salami and strawberries and got the tomatoes and bread I wanted to bring to the gathering in the evening. Stopped by the optician to pick up my repaired glasses (lenses got scratched when they flew off my head after I flew off my bike) and get the new set slightly adjusted. My eyesight is back to where it was before, the half a dioptre my eyesight improved by before seems to have gone away again and I'm back to the prescription I had for years and years (-3.25 and -3.75 in case you're curious) so I got new lenses for my sunglasses, too. All covered by the insurance - the new lenses for the sunglasses and a new pair of ordinary glasses. Since it seemed like it might be handy to have two pairs of glasses to use I went ahead and paid for the replacement lenses for my old frames. So in total, I've paid 60 euro and now have three pairs of glasses (two ordinary and one sunglasses). Funnily, the new frames I chose (I make things easy on myself by only selecting from the frames that have no extra cost involved, no designer surcharges for me thank you very much) are almost exactly the same as my sunglasses, which I got a year ago. So I may have found the frames I'm most happy with, I think.

After the optician I was actually starting to feel a bit tired - silly really but there's a bit of hayfever happening at the moment again and my eyes are getting very tired very quickly. Also, I really missed my holiday afternoon naps during this past week back at work. But I sucked it up for just a little while longer and brought my bike to be repaired. Need to make sure the accident didn't knock anything out and at the same time they're going to move the front headlamp down so that the basket my sister sent me will actually clip into place. I brought the bike to a place I haven't been to before but a friend recommended it and it's just at the end of my road. My first impressions were really favourable. We'll see what kind of job they do when I pick it up next week. That was one thing I liked though: when he said he'd have it ready by Wednesday and I asked if it would be okay if I didn't pick it up until Saturday, he was fine with it. One of the other local places I've used in the past charges you storage fees if you don't pick your bike up on the day they tell you.

After all of that I did actually manage to get home, grab a quick bite of lunch and have an afternoon nap. I slept solidly for over an hour, so it seems I did need it. Once I got up I rushed around preparing the chickpea and tomato salad I was bringing with me and then heading off to the summer solstice ritual. It was really lovely this year. Mostly meditation, which I was able to really relax and enjoy because I was well-rested enough that I didn't feel like I was just going to fall asleep. All about looking back on the spring and what you achieved during that season and then opening your heart to summer and divining what your wishes for the coming season are. We also danced and sang (in case any of you wondering what kind of music we end up hearing, this was one of the first songs that had been chosen - feel good music all the way):

After that and after some more meditation we had a crafty activity. Each of us got an A4 size sheet of coloured paper and there were markers and pens to draw or write about what your wishes for the summer are. Once we had done that we did a kind of origami type folding of that sheet of paper and ended up with a little boat. The idea is that we each take our boat in the next week or so and set it sailing on a body of water (so most of us will end up at the Rhine) - sending your wishes out into the world as it were.

After some more singing and dancing:

we finished up the ritual part of the evening and got down to the other important ritual: dinner. Everybody brings something and we sit and eat and chat and laugh for an hour or so. After that was done at about ten o'clock, I headed into town, where the girls had been enjoying themselves at the "Long Table". They set up tables all along the promenade and there are various stalls where you can buy food and drink. It's good fun and it has been a while since everyone was out together so there were laughs aplenty and conversation flowed easily. At midnight, when they closed up, we adjourned to the Irish pub and although the music was really too loud one of the girls talked/terrified the DJ into playing good music, i.e. music we remember from when we were younger. So it was a bit of a 90's fest but we all spent hours on the dancefloor (well, it's not so much a dancefloor as a small section of the floor that the tables have been pushed back from). Great fun. Even when the music stopped because then we started to head out of the pub and realised one of the owners had arrived so we joined him and his girlfriend and went across the road to a cocktail bar. The rest of the staff joined us shortly afterwards. The music there, to be honest, was pretty bad and too loud but we still managed to keep ourselves amused for another couple of hours. And then I topped off the evening/morning by walking home, stopping on the way to sit by the river and read my book. All in all, not a bad day yesterday even if I am tired now and feeling like my knees night never be the same!